Maxwell Sellers’ Yearbook Message to Maxwell Sellers
January 31, 2008
“I wish I had more friends.”
Sara Hornby’s Yearbook Message to Steve Grimm
January 30, 2008
“Hey. I wish you didn’t stare at my rack for four years straight. I know you think you are passing it off as watching me sign your yearbook now, but I am aware that it is just a thinly disguised way to stare at my tits.”
Josh Kaufman’s Yearbook Message to Maggie Ranges
January 29, 2008
“Hey, I didn’t know you that well, but I hope you have fun at college. Maybe you’re acne will clear up and some guy will fuck you. I mean, afterwards he will tell all his friends what a whore you are, but at least you’ll get laid, right! Yeah, you know.”
Jon Petrilak’s Yearbook Message to Susan Thorne
January 28, 2008
“I had my first homosexual experience last night. Don’t tell anyone.”
Mark Jacobsen’s Yearbook Message to Josh Lennon
January 24, 2008
“I’m only in it for the pussy.”
Mary Jane Anderson’s Yearbook Message to Julie Foer
January 22, 2008
“You’re the best friend I could have asked for, and I would like to thank you for that. That’s the first thing I want to say. We spent all four years of high school together, and I want you to think of me every single day you are off at college without me. I know we were supposed to go together. I am sorry things didn’t work out.
I’ll love you. Forever. Forever and ever. Best friends for life!
I remember that time when we were 6 and we tried to get to the moon by using or pogo sticks on your cousin’s trampoline. Then the trampoline broke and we both sprained our ankles. I thought we were going to die! Or that your uncle was going to kill us. That was so much fun! To bad it didn’t.
We used to be so happy then. To be honest, I haven’t been happy since. Everyday I wake up and wonder why the fuck I decided to do that. They say live day by day, but I haven’t had a good day and years, so what is the point. I miss being happy. I miss being okay. I miss being sad. I am miserable. Depressed. Far below “sad.” I want to die.
That’s why I am going to kill myself. You’ll never have to worry about me or my bullshit problems ever again. Go fuck your little faggot now.
PS – Have an awesome summer!”
Ridgefield Senior High School Graduation Class Electives: 2008
January 14, 2008
Most Likely to Create an Internet Meme: Brian Willikers
Most Likely to Become Homeless: Hobo Jones
Most Likely to Date a Teacher After Graduation: Kristen Gunther
Most Likely to Go Bald Before Before Graduation: Jesse Austin
Most Likely to Have a Trophy Wife: Andrew O’Shea
Most Likely to Become a Trophy Wife: Amber Barnes
Most Likely to Die Alone: Jordan Iannucci
Most Likely to Disown Gay Son: Hendrick Callan
Most Likely Not to be Convicted of a Date Rape, Bust Most Certainly Come Close: John Gunderson
Most Likely to be a Closeted Homosexual: Christopher Zulch
Most Likely to be an Open Homosexual, but Nobody Talks to Him to Find Out Anyway Because He is Weird: Oscar Salaman
Most Likely to Get Their Ass Kicked in a Bar: Will O’Brien
Best Hand Job Given: Natalie “Hobo” Jones
Best Hand Job Received: Nathan Jones
Best Friends: Jared Acevedo and Daniel Yerov
Best Friends with Benefits: Zack Wilson and Justine Hicks
Best Frienemies: Bryant McCollin and Tim Chun
Best Facebook Friends: Ashley Tompkins and Ashleigh Krill
Best Unironic Appreciation for Mötley Crüe: Joanna Jaray
Most Obnoxious: Gerald Fitzgerald
Most Intoxicated: Tom Caspe
Most Subtly Racist: Jared O’Doyle
Least Talented: Oscar Salaman
Least Attractive: Julie Sharpling
Lowest Self-Esteem: Oscar Salaman
Most Exaggerated Sense of Self-Worth: Christie Young
Biggest Slut: Marie Chappelle
Smallest Dick: Oscar Salaman
